The Lack Of Imagination

I'm talking about myself, of course.

If you've been wondering what the heck happened with this blog, the answer is simple. And not. Simple answer is that I really haven't hated anything lately and thus have had nothing to write about. Complex answer is that I have a depression and sometimes it makes me so introverted that I don't even answer the phone. Even if it's my bff or mother calling. (Yes, I send them later an sms that I'm alive.)

So maybe I should change the title to: "My Depression" but let's face it: not many would be interested to read how I'm rolling in my selfpity. So, let's hate the lack of imagination.

It is a by-product of depression, but it's a symptom I truly hate. I love to write and read. But they both require some imagination. Writing is self-explanatory but I think also reading needs it. Or can you imagine reading a book without single mental image of it's story? I can't. So when I can't "live in the book" I also have no interest to read it. Can you guess what I do when I'm depressed? I play mahjong and sleep. So. Fucking. Lame.

To talk about the imagination in general, one of my biggest disappointments in life was when I realized my limits in math. I love math. It was my favorite - among couple of other - subjects. And then came the day I realized I have got no imagination enough to apply familiar formulas in new situations. I can do the basic, but beyond that; no can do.

Only thing that has kept my somewhat sane this spring is knitting and crocheting. Sounds totally lame, huh? But it's fast and very satisfying to see how I can create something useful. Like Kid's mittens that had too short wrists. I cut ankle parts from the old Lightning McQueen socks and sew them on the mittens. Easy, and Kid loved them! Such a small thing but the way it lighted my whole week was awesome! Exactly what a depressed person needs; something delightful, useful and made by myself.

These feelings are so important because I feel like there's no hope. I'm shit. No matter what I do, I'll fail. I might as well fade away for I'm not good for anybody. Hopelessness -even according to scientists - is the most destructive feeling a person can have. And the battle against that feeling is the greatest battle you can ever have against yourself. Because it's not about reason or what you know. It's all about feelings, and they can lie so easily.

About the scientists. Of course I have no memory where I read this, but... In this project two guys were skiing across huge lake. They had sensors and stuff connected to them. Hours and hours of skiing. Nothing but snow in sight. All went quite well until they started to feel hopelessness of ever seeing the opposite shore. Their body temperature dropped drastically and they barely survived. In other words: They were physically fine as long as they had hope.